25: The Ottoman Empire Strikes Back
Why does it always fall upon me to write the character assassination of an entire culture? Previously, it was for the “So Sorry” roundtable, and now, once again, I find myself called upon to assault an entire people — one my grandfather used to tell me made necklaces out of the ears of German soldiers during WWII.
Exploring the strange and wonderful world of Turkish cult cinema has not traditionally been an easy task. For decades, most of us had no idea there was even a Turkish cult cinema to be explored. But then, round about 1999 or so, something amazing happened. Bootleg copies of a film known only as “Turkish Star Wars” started circulating. The rest, of course, was history, because cult film fans knew that where something that bizarre existed, other equally bizarre films were sure to dwell. And so the Great Game was on once again, as fans scoured the back alleys of Ankara and the black markets of Istanbul in search of something that featured Captain America punching out Spider-Man — for what we quickly learned was that Turkey was the film industry copyrights and intellectual properties went to to die. Nothing was off limits; no character, no soundtrack…heck, they’d devote half a film’s running time to using footage from some other film.
And so the B-Masters have gathered to celebrate the meager bits and pieces of Turkish cinema that have been made available in these past few years. Given the Turkish disinterest in preserving their own movies, this exploration can often be frustrating, or at the very least, incredibly grainy and possessed of numerous tracking problems.
I will state, by way of a disclaimer, that I’m sure Turkey produces many wonderful, thoughtful, insightful, and artistic films of great merit. But you know us: when the choice is between watching a touching exploration of the duality of Turkish cultural identity, with one foot in Western Europe and the other in Muslim central Asia, or watching a movie where a chain-smoking Spider-Man in combat boots shoves a lady’s face into an outboard motor — well, you know. – Keith, Teleport City
Turkeys Drawing Straws:
| Site | Movie | Excerpt |
|---|---|---|
| And You Call Yourself A Scientist! | Seytan (1974) | If anyone out there does seriously doubt the magnitude of William Friedkin’s accomplishment, they only have to watch Seytan, which presents every scene and every incident from The Exorcist, one after the other – and botches them, one after the other. On the other hand, Seytan does have something that The Exorcist does not, and that is The Single Funniest Thing I have Ever Seen Presented Seriously In A Motion Picture |
| Braineater | Badi: The Turkish E.T. | ...it's worth noting that there are some obscure genre films that deserve their obscurity, and should be left there. Badi is one of them. |
| Braineater | Büyü | Most unsettling of all, the actresses start removing their clothing... but some supernatural force prevents us from getting more than a glimpse of side-boob from Aydan. Curse you, supernatural force! |
| Cold Fusion Video Reviews | 3 Dev Adam | Once you stop trying to make sense of things, the movie goes down really easy. By the time we get to the obligatory strip club, you no longer feel the need to remember why exactly the good guys suspect the strip club of being involved in the Spider's crimes; you can instead concentrate on how hideously unappealing the stripper is. |
| Jabootu | Tarkan Vs. the Vikings | It’s not a sophisticated technique, but it’s so unusual that it kind of took me off guard at first. Of course, we’ll be seeing the process again later, and after a second look you figure out what they’re doing and the effect is diminished a bit. Still…GIANT INFLATABLE RUBBER OCTOPUS!!!! Has there ever been a movie, ever, that wouldn’t be improved by such a thing? |
| Teleport City | Kilink Strip and Kill | "We soon learn that Kilink has to attend a conference in New York, and I was instantly chilled by the thought of Kilink checking his Blackberry obsessively while sitting in a board room where Killing was explaining the robust, enterprise-wide solution that would shift the paradigm of the entire "grown men dressed up as skeletons" corporation. That said, I also started thinking about how much cooler my own conferences and meetings would be if I or someone started showing up to them wearing a black body stocking with bones painted on it. Anyway, it turns out that Kilink's conference is actually comprised of members of a secret criminal society who all wear hoods when they gather -- even though they all already know each other, and they all take their hoods off as soon as the meeting is adjourned." |
| 1,000 Misspent Hours and Counting | The Serpent's Tale | "Imagine for a moment that Robert W. Chambers had written a vampire novel during his King in Yellow period. Imagine further that, 100 years later, that novel had been adapted for the screen by the writer and director of Revenge of the Dead. That might get you somewhere close to the effect of The Serpent’s Tale." |
| Stomp Tokyo | Badi | "Badi’s not so much an intergalactic explorer as a particularly effective carney. He handles concessions, oversees the rides, and he’s the most disgusting thing in the freak show!" |
| The Bad Movie Report | The Deathless Devil (1988) | Now, it must be admitted that DOK-TOR SEY-TAN is a great villain. I can't find the actor's name with any reliability, but he is obviously relishing this role. He's a large, imposing fellow, moves well, and has a good, hearty I'm-a-bad-guy-and-enjoy-my-work laugh. During most of the movie he seems to be wearing Dr. Strange's tunic... although often with a plain black jacket over it. Perhaps this is symbolic of the evil pall he casts over all in his domain, or it was just cold on the set that day. To top it all off, he has Josef Stalin's moustache, so you know he's really, really evil. Really. |