The B-Masters Cabal » Nathan Shumate

Thar ain’t no gold in them thar hills.

Nathan Shumate — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 05:07:27 +0000

Ghosts of Goldfield (2007) begins with those terribly ominous words, “Based on true events.” That usually means that the filmmakers are preemptively excusing their deficiencies in originality, story coherence, etc., by claiming that they were hampered by the facts. Beyond a few simple historical facts, I can neither confirm nor deny the factual basis of any part of the story presented, but I can say this: If a movie sucks, it sucks, and one can’t use the facts as a defense.

Nathan Shumate is the proprietor of Cold Fusion Video Reviews and the author of The Golden Age of Crap.

Gives Me Chills, Pt. IV.

Nathan Shumate — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 22:19:40 +0000

Know how to make your DVD cover sucky? Really, really sucky? Sucky beyond all previous conceptions of suckiness?

That’s right. Fill the front of the DVD cover with text in the worst font known to man. It’s a comicsansapalooza!

(If you want a closer view of the madness, you can use the zoom feature on the Amazon listing here.)

Nathan Shumate is the proprietor of Cold Fusion Video Reviews and the author of The Golden Age of Crap.

A famous outlaw with a retconned conscience.

Nathan Shumate — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 04:45:31 +0000

The Great Jesse James Raid (1953)

Thanks to the continuing resentment in the South after the Civil War, James was hailed not as a common criminal but as a symbol of indomitable South’s-gonna-rise-again spirit and a frontier “Robin Hood,” even though he always left out that “give to the poor” part after robbing the rich. Dime novels filled with fanciful versions of his exploits were popular even when he was still alive, and upon his death he became the subject of a full-fledged martyr’s mythology. Jesse James the murderous bank robber had become in the public mind Jesse James the champion of the oppressed and symbol of the fading frontier. America wouldn’t mythologize its contemporary criminal element to the same degree until the days of Bonnie and Clyde.

Nathan Shumate is the proprietor of Cold Fusion Video Reviews and the author of The Golden Age of Crap.

Come to my deathtrap cabin in the woods!

Nathan Shumate — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 04:09:20 +0000

Sure, you’ve seen just about everything in Sam’s Lake (2005) in previous “spam in a cabin” slasher flicks, but at least it all seems sincere. That counts for something, right? Right?

Nathan Shumate is the proprietor of Cold Fusion Video Reviews and the author of The Golden Age of Crap.

And now, a long-distance dedication.

Nathan Shumate — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 04:15:54 +0000

I dedicate this screencap, and my review of the movie it comes from, to Dr. Freex:

(Punchlines are a dish best served cold.)

Hannibal (1960)

Nathan Shumate is the proprietor of Cold Fusion Video Reviews and the author of The Golden Age of Crap.

Miss me?

Nathan Shumate — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 04:49:21 +0000

My one-month sabbatical is over, and there’s really no better way for me to get back into the swing of things than with the material for which I’m so well known:

Killer dolls.

Demonic Toys 2 (2010)

Nathan Shumate is the proprietor of Cold Fusion Video Reviews and the author of The Golden Age of Crap.

“Avast!” “Belay!” And something about a poop deck.

Nathan Shumate — Fri, 28 May 2010 03:23:09 +0000

Four years after Disney’s version of Treasure Island, a canny production company rehired director Byron Haskin and star Robert “Long John” Newton for a sequel, Long John Silver (1954). The movie’s not great, but you have to admire the chutzpah.

P.S. The long-awaited sixth issue of Arkham Tales is available! Go here to check it out.

Nathan Shumate is the proprietor of Cold Fusion Video Reviews and the author of The Golden Age of Crap.

The snow rabbit of Wisconsin.

Nathan Shumate — Thu, 20 May 2010 03:25:42 +0000

Even if Bill Rebane’s The Capture of Bigfoot (1979) were stellar in all other respects — top-notch cast, sparkling cinematography, a superlative script — I would still hold against him the fact that he made Bigfoot’s pelt white. That’s all hypothetical, though.

(P.S. The Golden Age of Crap is now available for Kindle!)

Nathan Shumate is the proprietor of Cold Fusion Video Reviews and the author of The Golden Age of Crap.

Gives Me Chills, Pt. III.

Nathan Shumate — Wed, 19 May 2010 21:16:50 +0000

This cover may not be as bad as the first two installments in this occasional series… but on the other hand, it might.

No description at Amazon, but do you really need one?

Nathan Shumate is the proprietor of Cold Fusion Video Reviews and the author of The Golden Age of Crap.

Thank God it’s Friday!

Nathan Shumate — Thu, 13 May 2010 02:42:11 +0000

Any semi-faithful adaptation of Daniel Dafoe’s Robinson Crusoe is going to be essentially a one-man play for at least two-thirds of the running time. For the 1954 film version, Spanish director Luis Bunuel chose little-known Irish actor Dan O’Herlihy in the title role. It was a good choice.

By the way, if any of you are try-before-you-buyers, you can see a three-page PDF preview of The Golden Age of Crap here.

Nathan Shumate is the proprietor of Cold Fusion Video Reviews and the author of The Golden Age of Crap.