As with too many of Charles Band’s flicks from any era of his career, the impression that one gets from Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983) is one of impoverishment. Here, working as the director under his producer father, he tries to realize an epic yet incomprehensible script with leaden dialogue via a handful of bad actors, a score of extras, some shoddy special effects, and an acre of scrubland, all tied together with a gimmick: the theatrical 3-D process which boomed and busted in 1983.

Thanks to movies like Rocky Balboa, Rambo, and The Expendables, it’s pretty safe to say that Sylvester Stallone has made a comeback in recent years. It doesn’t seem that long ago that Stallone’s movies were being barely released to movie theaters (at least in North America) or going straight to video. Avenging Angleo is one of those movies, going straight to video despite also having Anthony Quinn and Madeleine Stowe in the cast. It was dumped on the video market with absolutely no fanfare and just about everyone ignoring it, which got me intrigued. Did it deserve its fate? Read on and find out.

I told the other B-Masters my roundtable update was probably going to be late this time, but even I never guessed that it would be this late!  And as fate and closing-down video rental shops would have it, I didn’t even end up reviewing the movie I wanted to do.  Instead, we’ll all have to make do with:

The Blood on Satan’s Claw (1971), in which the kids of the 1690′s give their elders just as much trouble as those of the 1960′s…

The Comedy of Terrors (1963), in which the world’s worst undertakers reveal themselves to be no better at the murder-for-profit business…

Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed (1969), in which he really, really must…

Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell (1974), in which the monster is actually from someplace else altogether…

The Horror at 37,000 Feet (1973), in which William Shatner is once again on the case to deal with supernatural disruptions to routine airline service…

The Magician (1926), which you’d swear was a rip-off of Frankenstein and Svengali, had it not come out five years before those movies…

and…

The Witchmaker (1969), in which the villain really does busy himself making witches!
 
 
 

I’m sure you’ve all been wondering, “Just where does Nathan draw the line delineating what can be considered a ‘zombie’ for purposes of the annual Month of the Living Dead?” That question has now been answered: it’s right between the 28 Days Later/28 Weeks Later movies and this one. Yes, both concepts have technically non-undead persons infected with a virus which has caused them to regress from sapience and individuality into murderous, animalistic rage… but the infected in I Am Legend (2007) can climb walls like Spider-Man. That is not in the zombie repertoire, no matter which canon you’re consulting.

That’s how we feel about Jet Li in…

WARLORDS If you ever wondered what Jet Li would look like as a giant armored pine cone, this is the movie for you. Warlords doesn’t do anything particularly ground-breaking, but what it does do, it does very well. The three leads are at the top of their game, and it’s nice to see Jet Li finally allowed to act again. Li has often been impressive, but rarely scary. This movie changes that, even as it clads him in a suit of armor I don’t doubt is historically accurate but looks ridiculous never the less.

We also just started posting new, shorter reviews on Facebook. Those of you who have no interest in such sites can still check out the reviews, though…

BAD BLOOD Director Denis Law seems committed to returning the Hong Kong martial arts movie to the glory days of when they had awesome stunt and fight choreography and were terrible in just every other way, but we forgave them because of the action scenes (or did you watch Iron Angels for the writing?). Bad Blood is the perfect example of Law’s approach to film making. The story is the sort of ridiculous, convoluted, half-assed sort of affair you’d expect from an early 90s actioner. It also stars Simon Yam as a guy named Funky, and that counts for a lot. Unfortunately, his wardrobe is subdued. My feeling is that if you are going to cast Simon Yam as a guy named Funky, then he should be sporting the insane sort of crap that he was wearing in Looking for Mr. Perfect.

TEKKEN Years ago, Hong Kong made a Tekken movie, but they forgot to secure the rights to actually make a Tekken movie, so it eventually became Avenging Fist, and no one really cared. About the only thing anyone remembers is that Ekin Cheng eventually turns into Sammo Hung. So anyway, fast forward to today, and now someone who bothered to secure the rights to the Tekken name, years after I think the world stopped giving a crap about Tekken, has finally made a Tekken movie called Tekken.

GALAXY OF TERROR

After crash landing on an alien planet, the crew of a spaceship is stalked and killed by their greatest fears. Of course one of the crew is a buxom blonde female, and of course her biggest fear is that a giant worm will suck off her clothes before it slimes her to death.

Review Snippet:
Faced with unseen bogeymen and an unknown force that is keeping the ship from blasting off, the crew decides to explore their surroundings. “Why don’t we all go for a stroll on the Haunted Planet in the Galaxy of Terror?” Great idea, guys. I cannot fathom what you might find besides your own grisly deaths, but have fun.

Something to watch for:
3 mins – It looks like a muffler, but it shoots laser beams. I think it’s a gun.

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THE DEVIL-DOLL (1936)  (revised)

In which Paul Lavond, a French banker framed for murder and theft, escapes from Devil’s Island with revenge on his mind, in company with a man who just happens to have developed the perfect weapon: miniaturised human beings with no minds of their own, capable of being controlled from a distance by the will of another. But even as Lavond’s plans begin to come together, the police begin to close in, forcing Lavond to some desperate measures – and giving us, in the middle of what is essentially science fiction, the most horrifying of sights: Lionel Barrymore in drag.

Tod Browning’s second-last film, The Devil-Doll shoots itself in the foot by dwelling on the angst of the Lavond family instead of on any of its fun stuff, but finally gets a pass mark thanks to a couple – literally a couple – of supporting characters who remind us that nothing says “Mad Science” like pulling some really ridiculous faces.

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Task Force 2001 (2000)

Even though it’s a Kushner-Locke kidvid, it’s not shot in Romania; that’s something to cheer right there. Instead of being the standard watered-down sci-fi/fantasy storyline, it’s an adolescent espionage caper, meant to be the adolescent version of the Mission: Impossible films (this is before the Spy Kids and Agent: Cody Banks franchises hit the theaters). There are even signs that it was meant to be the kickoff of a series. Does this mean that this production breaks out of the pattern of unambitious, lowest-common-denominator suckage that characterizes most of the Kushner-Locke/Charles Band productions of the late ’90s?

It’s back to school time… well, yeah, I know that school started up again over a week ago, but who hasn’t been late to school? Anyway, the right movie to review for this occasion seemed to be one centering around school, so I dug up Making The Grade, a teen comedy produced by those mischief-makers Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus that also has Judd Nelson in his film debut. Andrew Dice Clay also pops up along the way. Surprisingly, the movie ends up being a lot better than you might think. It’s a school comedy with class.

I said in my review of The Last Man on Earth (1964) that any film version of Richard Matheson’s novel I Am Legend must must must have a commanding performer in the lead role, because that performer will be alone on screen for roughly half the movie. Charlton Heston is the epitome of the commanding performer, whatever you think of his acting ability — from what I’ve seen, he played one role extremely well, that of “being Charlton Heston” — so I suppose it makes perfect sense (or perfect Hollywood sense, anyway) to change the movie around to show him off best.

The Omega Man (1971)

August was a brutal month, but we’re emerging from the workload and getting back on track.

HIGH KICK GIRL

If there is any problem with High Kick Girl, a low-budget karate fest from Japan, it’s that it’s a terrible movie. If you can overlook that one flaw, then High Kick Girl is pretty decent. However, even if you can’t get over the fact that this movie is a study in incompetence due to inexperience, it’s still possible to wring from the mess a healthy degree of respect for what they were trying to do. Alas, if only good intentions always resulted in good movies. The dream of High Kick Girl was to take the Japanese martial arts movie back from the fumbling hands of CGI-heavy fantasy films and boob-heavy sexploitation stinkers full of AV idols flopping about and calling it karate, and return the martial arts film to the stewardship of people who actually care about it. And make no mistake — I thoroughly believe that everyone involved with High Kick Girl genuinely cares about martial arts and making good martial arts movies. They just aren’t capable of doing so, at least not yet.

Here’s the question.  How can you take a story about Confederate bushwhackers versus Union troops in Missouri in the end of the Civil War, add the plot engine of a forbidden romance between a pretty bushwhacker and a Yankee captain, through in a murderous renegade Cherokee… and still have it come out boring?

For the answer, I present to you Renegade Girl (1946).

To be honest, I am very tired of most animated movies that come out today, filled with characters that SCREAM at the top of their lungs and make endless wisecracks and pop-culture references. That’s why, when I am in the mood for an animated feature, I usually look for something different. I picked up Cat City not that long ago, because the way it presented itself promised that the movie would be different than your typical American animated features. For one thing, it was an animated movie from Hungary, the same country that made Hugo The Hippo. Although that movie was awful, it was at least different, so I was pretty sure I would at least get something like that here. But after watching it and writing my review, I’m now prepared for an avalanche of hate e-mails from Hungarians.