This film features a monstrous thing that is resurrected from the past to bring terror to the modern day. I don’t mean the movie’s mummified ‘Bigfoot,’ I mean the movie itself, an obscure sixty minute teen monster flick from the ’50s that had a half hour of excruciating filler added to it in the late seventies, whereupon it became a late night TV staple. Beware, I tells you, lest you too provoke the Curse of Bigfoot.
It’s an AYCYAS! – Braineater joint!
For this Roundtable, I’ve had the pleasure and the honour of tag-teaming with Will Laughlin, as we tackle two versions of the same hominid film: Ishirō Honda’s long-MIA Jūjin Yuki Otoko (Beast-Human Snowman).
Three years after its Japanese release, the film appeared on American screens in the hardly recognisable form of Kenneth G. Crane’s Half Human; which, sadly, has been almost the only way to see this film at all over the past five decades.
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Braineater reviews Jūjin Yuki Otoko (1955).
And You Call Yourself A Scientist! reviews Half Human (1958).
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I’ve always felt that movies with certain titles have an obligation to live up to those titles. For instance, any movie with a title like The Werewolf and the Yeti needs to be a movie full of scenes where a werewolf fights a yeti. If the movie doesn’t live up to that title, then you’ve just ruined humanity’s chances of getting an awesome movie in which a werewolf fights a yeti. It’s just unfair to use up an awesome title/concept on a crappy movie. So when I first heard that a movie called The Werewolf and the Yeti existed, I was both excited and reticent. excited because — well, come on. Werewolf versus yeti. Reticent because I couldn’t help but think, “if this movie isn’t any good, then it ruins my chances of seeing the movie a title like The Werewolf and the Yeti deserves.” When, upon further investigation, I discovered that the movie was one of Spanish actor Jacinto Molina’s — aka Paul Naschy — many werewolf movies, I didn’t know whether to let my hopes rise or plummet. Somehow, I ended up letting them do both, and somehow, the movie fulfilled both those suspicions.
Four years after Disney’s version of Treasure Island, a canny production company rehired director Byron Haskin and star Robert “Long John” Newton for a sequel, Long John Silver (1954). The movie’s not great, but you have to admire the chutzpah.
P.S. The long-awaited sixth issue of Arkham Tales is available! Go here to check it out.
Of all the movies made that deal with man-apes, Missing Link is unusual in a couple of ways. It’s one of the rare ones that was made by a major Hollywood studio. Also, it makes great strides to be sober and serious in tone. But it does share one thing with most other man-ape movies in that it’s overall not very good. Even good production values can’t save a man-ape movie alone.
May 25
One of the oft cited complaints about this film is that The Abominable Snowman doesn’t get much of a look in during the film, and that is very true. Director, Val Guest has said that makeup and costumes at that time were not really up to the task of creating an effective and frightening looking monster. He therefore believed that ‘what was not seen’ was actually going to be more frightening than anything the special effects, wardrobe and makeup departments could create. Subsequently he chose to only show the snowman in small glimpses, allowing the monster to live in the ‘theatre of your mind’, rather than being unconvincingly paraded in front of your face.
The poster promises an unstoppable motorcycle-hurling monster, cops clutching their useless submachine guns, and buxom beauties screaming in terror at a hairy beast that “breeds with anything.” As great as all that sounds, it’s not the movie that I watched. Not even close.
Lesson learned:
Sometimes the best part of a movie is the poster.
Sometimes you just really want to be done with something, though, you know? And although I’m still not quite there yet, this does at least get me to the bottom of my drummer’s box set:
Georges Melies Trick Films, 1897, in which the celebrated cinematic pioneer discovers the value of ripping off one’s own earlier successes and the drawing power of a shapely behind…
Saw III (2006), In which you can practically hear the Jigsaw Killer’s electronically distorted voice asking the filmmakers how much narrative integrity they’re willing to sacrifice to have a twist ending…
Saw IV (2007), In which the Saw series intrepidly Evel Knievels its way over a veritable squadron of sharks…
Saw V (2008), in which it redeems itself just the slightest bit after it’s already much too late…
Scream of Fear (1961), in which Hammer tries its hand at psycho-horror for the first time…
and…
Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century (1977), in which the Abominable Snowman impersonates King Kong.
Even if Bill Rebane’s The Capture of Bigfoot (1979) were stellar in all other respects — top-notch cast, sparkling cinematography, a superlative script — I would still hold against him the fact that he made Bigfoot’s pelt white. That’s all hypothetical, though.
(P.S. The Golden Age of Crap is now available for Kindle!)
May 19
May 15
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A Colorado resort is terrorised by a rampaging (if barely glimpsed) killer hominid, which chooses of all times the days prior to the resort’s 50th Anniversary Winter Carnival to start preying on the guests.
However, the local economy depends upon the carnival, so they can’t possibly close the ski resort…
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[By the way, I do still hope to get that housekeeping done...]
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Creature from Black Lake (1976)
Some people say they don’t exist… but others say they’re out there somewhere, just on the edges of civilization, seen by only a few hardy souls.
You know what I mean: the rare, elusive halfway-decent Bigfoot movie.
But wait — I’ve brought back some evidence they exist! Here’s one, dragged back from the depths of the 1970′s, that I think may prove to be the Missing Link between competent film-making and the Sasquatch subgenre. Judge for yourselves!
(Note: While loading, the review may either flicker or leave you stuck halfway down the page. I tried to do something a little different this time from a technical standpoint, and it may not work for everybody. Sorry!)
May 13
Opinion is extremely divided on the horror movie The Convent. Those who have seen it seem to love it or hate it, with no one taking the middle ground. Although I can’t say that I didn’t find any faults with the movie, I am still among those who love it. Yes, it’s often extremely silly, but that’s part of its charm. And the moments of extreme violence are pleasing as well. I’ve tried to write a pretty spoiler-free review, so you can be pleasantly surprised like I was by the movie’s unique efforts to entertain when you sit down to watch it.
May 12
Any semi-faithful adaptation of Daniel Dafoe’s Robinson Crusoe is going to be essentially a one-man play for at least two-thirds of the running time. For the 1954 film version, Spanish director Luis Bunuel chose little-known Irish actor Dan O’Herlihy in the title role. It was a good choice.
By the way, if any of you are try-before-you-buyers, you can see a three-page PDF preview of The Golden Age of Crap here.
This was the film that almost broke the audience’s back at B-Fest 2010, and nearly got me lynched in the process. Lady Gaga’s android army returns in this Italian space opera that is desperately in need of an editor. Every scene, and I do mean every scene, lasts five times longer than it should. The climatic final battle takes almost half an hour. You will probably be wishing it would end after five minutes – six minutes tops.
Something to watch for:
32 mins – When I was a child I had a toy ray gun. It was more convincing than those.
One of the bright(er) moments for Full Moon in the late ’90s was Hideous! (1997), which features bizarrely deformed “pickled punks” turning the tables on their would-be collectors. And actress Jacqueline Lovell demonstrates hitherto unsuspected talents in the wardrobe department.
And why do I say that? Because under no previous entertainment business model would it have been remotely possible for me to see some of the stuff that comprises the present update:
Blood for Dracula (1974), in which the sickliest vampire you ever did see goes looking for virgins in Italy, but just winds up getting his ass kicked by Joe Dallesandro…
Georges Melies Trick Films, 1896, by which I mean The Devil’s Castle, A Nightmare, A Terrible Night, and The Vanishing Lady…
Ginger Snaps (2000), in which a perfectly good suicide pact gets shot all to hell when one of its signatories comes down with a bad case of lycanthropy…
The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999), in which it’s apparently too much to hope for that a needless, much-belated sequel have anything more to offer than a straight-up retread of the first film, even when the producers have the decency to bring back one of the original stars…
Saw II (2005), which came so damn close to being great that I just about wanted to cry when the obligatory twist ending screwed a whole kennel’s worth of pooches…
and…
Three… Extremes (2004), in which representatives of three different Asian movie industries join forces for a riff on the old Dr. Terror’s House of Horrors number.
We’ve all got them, right? – those relatives you’d rather not acknowledge – that uncle who embarrasses you at every birthday party – those cousins you don’t invite to the family reunions (but who show up anyway)? And even if we did want to ignore their existence, film-makers all around the world have spent decades making certain that we can’t. So join us as we call a truce on the Darwinian name-calling, and give our big hairy brothers a hug.
It’s Foot Notes – all throughout the month of May at the B-Masters’ Blog!
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SEVEN FOOTPRINTS TO SATAN (1929)
One of the few surviving films of the Danish director Benjamin Christensen, and the only surviving member of the triumverate of old dark house horror-comedies he made in Hollywood at the end of the 1920s.
A young playboy who dreams of having some excitement and adventure before he settles down gets an object lesson in being careful what he prays for when an emerald inherited by his girlfriend becomes the target of a cult of satanists, and the two of them are whisked away to a cavernous mansion that is the scene of orgies and human sacrifice, and that houses mysterious women, disfigured men, Gollum’s little brother, a witch, a dwarf, a werewolf, a gorilla, and Loretta Young.
Oh. And Satan. Let’s not forget Satan.
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[I hope to have some house-keeping done over the next few days. Watch this space.]
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