BEASTMASTER
The success of this first wave of sword and sorcery films paved the way for a second wave. Amongst this crop was The Beastmaster. The Beastmaster, like the others was not a runaway hit when it was released. To be fair though, it was up against some pretty stiff competition, including ET – the Extra Terrestrial, An Officer and a Gentleman and The Road Warrior (or Mad Max 2 as it will always been known to me). But the film did reasonable business, making around three-million dollars in the United States, which was about a third of the films production costs. The film did well in Europe, on video, and became a mainstay on cable television. It has been reported that a comedian remarked that the meaning of HBO was not ‘Home Box Office’, but ‘Hey, Beastmaster’s On’.

Once upon a time there was a college professor named John Norman.  He wrote a large batch of paperback novels about a fantasy planet named Gor, whose primary trait was the literal sexual slavery of women and their ultimate fulfillment therein.  (The men seemed happy with it too.)  This  inspired first a real-life subculture, then a movie.  Two movies, in fact, but we haven’t gotten to the second one, yet.

Who left theaters more unsatisfied, the fans of Norman’s books, or those who had never heard of them and just wanted to see another sword and sorcery movie?  The debate rages to this day…

Abandon all hope of entertainment, ye who choose to travel to the planet of Gor.

STAR ODYSSEY

If there is one genre that can be compared to low budget Italian zombie flicks, it must be bargain budget Italian space operas.  Both of them are the mental equivalents of $.29 frozen burritos, and both of them cause my wife serious anguish (as do cheap frozen burritos).  Katie is more likely to complain about the zombie movies than the space operas, but that is splitting hairs.  While I refuse to eat any burrito that costs less than $1.50, I have finally come to the realization that the movies I watch are not good for me.

Oh well.

I mentioned in my review for The Bird With the Crystal Plumage (1970) the love/hate relationship I have with Dario Argento and his “visuals first, storytelling second” approach to filmmaking. That goes double for Argento’s progenitor Mario Bava. Bava was incredibly influential in his use of color and framing, using his background as a painter to design tableaus that are evocative and enthralling. Unfortunately, his regard for film as a primarily narrative art was somewhat lacking. By the end of Blood and Black Lace (1964), the viewer certainly remembers distinct scenes and shots, but not so much the whole of what they have just experienced for the last 90 minutes. And if you know me, you know that’s a problem for me.

Plus: The last week to vote for Reader Revenge Month! This week’s options are The Arena (1973), The Giant Gila Monster (1959), and The Vision (1987).

 
THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER (1982)

I needed a sword ‘n’ sorcery film for our sword ‘n’ sorcery Roundtable, so I picked The Sword And The Sorcerer.

Not one of my more inspired moments, I agree.

However, apart from being the first of the true sword ‘n’ sorcery films of the 1980s, this also has the distinction of being in all probability the best film ever directed by Albert Pyun.

Contemplate that on the Tree Of Woe.

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Speaking of which—

CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982)

This Roundtable also gave me the chance to recover and revise my old review of Conan The Barbarian – and to remind myself what an astonishingly good film it is, too.

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THREE GOLDEN SERPENTS
The sad passing of actor Tony Kendall – aka Luciano Stella – back in November inspired me to get back on board with the project of reviewing the Kommissar X films for Teleport City. Not that I can say with authority that the Kommissar X films represent the best of Mr. Stella’s work, mind you – I haven’t, for instance, seen Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century, or Hate Is My God, to name just a couple of his many non-Eurospy efforts. It’s just that it’s those movies, and Kendall’s portrayal within them of dick-both-public-and-private Joe Walker, that won him permanent residence in a very special secret space-age lair located deep within my heart.

With the somewhat low-key, Montreal Expo-based antics of the Kommissar X series’ fifth entry, Kill, Panther, Kill!, it might have seemed safe to assume that the franchise had settled into what was, compared to the settings of the earlier films, fairly pedestrian territory. But with Serpents’ Thailand setting we happily see a return to the emphasis on exotic locales that we saw in the initial four movies. Unfortunately, our introduction to that setting is conducted in about the most unexciting manner possible, by way of some uninspired travelogue footage that sees what appears to be a middle-aged Midwestern couple making their leisurely way around Bangkok as the male half of the couple drones on affectlessly about various sights and local customs. This goes on for quite a while, and marks an unflattering departure from the opening sequences of pretty much every earlier Kommissar X, which typically took us right into the middle of the action without pause for preface or scene setting.

Two legendary schlock directors made a film so bad it took another two people to bash it.  Gaming legend Sandy Petersen continues his series of Herschell Gordon Lewis reviews, but this time Ken joins in.

Sadly, it did a lot more damage to us than we did to it. It’s 68 minutes of pure heck as we hit the dance floor at the Monster A Go-Go.

Another viewer at about the 30 minute mark.

Come for the Sandy, stay for the Ken.

ATOR THE FIGHTING EAGLE

There is more than a passing resemblance between Ator and Conan the Barbarian.  Both of their villages are wiped out by the evil warriors, both are trained by sword masters who display Eastern influences, and both sleep with crazy witch women.  Oh, and both lose blonde warrior babes who die after spitting up blood.  However, since Ator is rated PG, the scene with the crazy witch woman seducing the barbarian is a lot less interesting.

I feel I should mention that my expectations for Tenement were pretty high. I had heard several interesting things about it during the years, such as the fact that the level of violence in the movie had resulted in the movie being slapped with an X rating from the MPAA. The reviews I read of the movie seemed to support that this was some kind of ultraviolent classic (for example, one reviewer, quoted on the back of the DVD box, stated “My hand went flailing for the remote just to verify what I was witnessing by replaying the scene almost instantly.”) After watching the movie, I wondered if I had seen the same movie as those reviewers.

Conqueror of the World (1983) is an obvious hanger-on to Quest For Fire (1981), minus the actual quest for fire. Also missing is the linguistic creativity and the cultural inventiveness. The viewer also searches in vain for any sort of plot structure, pacing, musical acumen, cinematographical skill, or… In fact, this movie falls below minimum standards of competence in every area. Aside from that, it’s just like Quest For Fire.

Plus, this week’s choices for Reader Revenge Month: Dressed to Kill (1980), Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster (1966), or The War of the Worlds (1953).

…and this is what I have to show for my attendance:

The Crippled Masters (1979), in which the Masters really are Crippled…

Gymkata (1985), in which an international gymnastics champion proves only slightly more convincing as a martial artist than a guy with no arms…

Heartbeeps (1981), in which Andy Kaufman is no funnier as a robot than he was as a carbon-based lifeform…

The Room (2003), or, How Vain Was My Vanity Project…

Troll 2 (1990), in which Claudio Fragasso shows the world that Troll wasn’t really so bad after all…

and…

War of the Robots (1978), in which (much as I hate to disagree with Keith) Yanti Somer’s adorable crewcut simply is not enough…
 
 
 

AMAZONS VS. SUPERMEN

Every now and then, something will parade across my screen that is too much for even me to excuse. It’s painful when it happens. As I’ve said many times, I’m hear to celebrate movies I enjoy, not rip apart movies I hate. And it’s doubly painful when I discover that a movie I was certain I was going to like ends up being almost totally unwatchable. Alas, such was the case with Amazons vs. Supermen, a movie that, on paper, seems to have been written specifically to delight me. Three super warriors, including one goofball in a bondage mask and chain mail miniskirt, a big strong guy in studded leather, and a kungfu guy, team up to battle scantily clad Amazons. Oh, and Hong Kong’s Shaw Bros. Studio is co-producing, which means the kungfu guy is martial arts movie superstar Yueh Hwa. There will also be flame-throwing wooden tanks (which seems like a terrible combination of vehicle fabrication material and mode of attack). And one more thing: Alfonso Brescia is directing. Now those things are prime ingredients in making any cake I will gleefully gobble down. And yet, by the end of the thing, which seemed to take forever to get to, all I could do was shake my head in dazed confusion as I tried to figure out how it could have all gone so terribly wrong. Of course, many people will throw up their arms and exclaim, “Alfonso Brescia was the director? What about that signaled any chance of success?” To which I can but meekly respond, “Well, I kinda like Alfonso Brescia movies.”

HEARTS & ARMOUR
I think my problem with Hearts and Armour stems from the fact that it is one of the few films of its kind that I didn’t see when it was originally released. Others like Conan, The Sword and the Sorcerer, The Beastmaster and a whole slew of others, I saw either at the cinema or later, immediately when they were released on video. I saw these films during my formative years and at a time of where these films were relevant to my peers. In that regard I probably overlook and forgive many of the flaws in those films because I know them so well or I simply have a retrospective positive association with each film. But not so Hearts and Armour. I have no inbuilt love for the film.

Back when I reviewed The Bird With the Crystal Plumage (1970), I compared that film positively to examples of the giallo genre (that’s the Italian crime/slasher genre of the late ’60s and ’70s, in case you didn’t know) in which not only was the plot nonsensical, as was par for the course for these movies, but the direction didn’t rise above the screenplay. And here we have Watch Me When I Kill (1977) as a convenient example of the latter! Thank you, boxed set from VCI Entertainment, for covering the range of the giallo!

Also: This week’s choices for Reader Revenge Month are The Divine Enforcer (1992), Django (1966), and The Tenement (2003).

SORCERESS
Sword and sorcery movies are perhaps the purest distillation of a ten-year-old boy’s mind that a ten-year-old boy could ever hope for. Yes, yes, I know. Ten year old boys were too young to watch such filth. We were also too young to read Heavy Metal magazine, know who Sylvia Kristel was, and have opinions about the best Playmates. Sword and sorcery movies were great because not only could you stay up late and watch the R-rated ones, but even the PG ones were full of everything we wanted: monsters, gore, and big-boobed chicks wearing tiny fur bikinis, if they were wearing anything at all. And if that represents the purest distillation of a ten-year-old boy’s mind, then the movie Sorceress represents a sort of cask strength version of that particular spirit. Because Sorceress asks the question, “Sure, what if you had all that, but also the heroes are hot, naked twins?”

After the announcement of 10,000 B.S. the other day, The Rev D.D., one of our regulars, remarked, “Prehistoric Women…I haven’t seen the Hammer one. I have seen the one from the early ’50s, though, and…MAN that one was pain. Except for the “dragon,” which was one of the GREATEST THINGS EVER FILMED.” – a comment posted, as far as I can figure, about four hours after I finished watching Prehistoric Women for the purposes of this Roundtable.

Truthfully…I am just a little creeped out right now.

PREHISTORIC WOMEN (1950)

    In which the members of an all-female prehistoric tribe, who have been feeling – nudge, nudge – “restless”, are sent out by their Wise One to find themselves – nudge, nudge – “husbands”.

The result is a battle of the sexes dramatically highlighted by the savage attack on the tribespeople by a duck wearing a Halloween mask. As a bonus, the film comes with a narrator who helpfully explains EVERY SINGLE DETAIL OF EVERY SINGLE SCENE. Because, you know, the plot’s so complicated.

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WHEN WOMEN LOST THEIR TAILS
Regardless of whether or not the viewer is in line with When Women Lost Their Tails‘ political viewpoint, I think he or she has to agree that it is a much more interesting film with it than it would be without. The cinematic landscape is littered with knuckleheaded sex farces set against a broadly satirical historical backdrop – with not an inconsiderable number set in the Stone Age among them. But, with When Women Lost Their Tails, what we get is like the lyrics of a Gang of Four song acted out within the context of a slightly naughty fanfic version of The Flintstones. If nothing else, it certainly makes for unique viewing, and offers enough in terms of audacity alone to keep one watching until the end. What makes the journey a bit rougher, though, is the queasy disconnect between the film’s superficial layer of lounge-pop marinated goofiness and the unutterably bleak take on the human condition that festers at its core. With its vision of a human race whose existence boils down to either blinding, almost protozoan idiocy on the one hand or vicious, self-devouring avarice and cynicism on the other — with nothing in the middle — it’s enough to make even the most misanthropic giallo seem like a Frank Capra joint by comparison, ebullient Bruno Nicolai score notwithstanding.

I imagine some B movie fans might think they are getting something good with The Sword Of The Barbarians upon seeing the poster or the video box art. They are probably thinking, “A Conan clone done by the Italians? That should mean plenty of unintended laughs along with the majestic backdrops, bloody action, and women who like to show off their melon-sized breasts. And it was picked up by The Cannon Group, who knew a thing or two about exploitation.” Sad to say, the end results, save for the occasional laugh, are pretty dull. In fact, the movie is bad enough in so many ways to embarrass even Ator.

In Johnny Mysto: Boy Wizard (1997), a young would-be magician accidentally gets his hands on an ring ensorcelled by Merlin himself.  Had be been a few years older and we would have gotten essentially another entry in the Zapped! franchise; as it is, the worst he does is inadvertently makes his sister disappear.

Plus: Vote for upcoming movies in Reader Revenge Month!  This week’s options: The Bloody Judge (1970), The Delta Force (1986), or Lethal Ninja (1993).