Archive for July, 2009

Down There, They Call ‘Em Bikies

Teleport City’s Man in Australia weighs in:

STONE
The thing with Stone that makes it so important is if you pull apart the elements that make up this film, you can see it’s cinematic progeny throughout the next twenty years (or more) of Australian film production. If you look at the bikie and road element, you can see the direct influence in films such as Mad Max, The Road Warrior and The Chain Reaction (AKA: Nuclear Run). Which in turn spun off into films like Turkey Shoot (AKA: Blood Camp Thatcher / Escape 2000), Deadend Drive-In (AKA: Dead End), and Salute of The Jugger (Blood of Heroes). If you look at the crime element, which granted, isn’t really expanded upon in Stone, but it’s the beginning of a trend in Australian cinema, you can see the offshoots in films such as Ghosts of the Civil Dead, Stir, Fortress, and even Chopper. And I don’t think it is such a huge leap to compare Stone with Nick Cave / John Hillcoat’s Kangaroo Western, The Proposition – the primary difference being (apart from The Proposition being a historical piece) is that in Stone the central unit is a motorcycle club, whereas in The Proposition it is about family. But both feature main characters that have to go in ‘undercover’ into a disenfranchised community and solve a problem. And that’s just the influence in Australia. This is not the time for a discussion about violent post-apocalyptic Italian barbarian films!!!

Mea maxima culpa

Confession may be good for the soul, but it can be bad for the public image. While our loyal readers may think of us as the font of all b-movie knowledge – no, no! don’t bother to pretend! – the fact is that sometimes we’re just…well, winging it. But no more! For our next Roundtable, we B-Masters will be risking our reputations, baring our souls, and publically ‘fessing up to some of the more embarrassing gaps in our resumes.

Freaky? How about “mildly odd”?

The titular character in Freaky Farley (2007) is the oddball in a small New England town who likes to peep in windows.
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What, you people want MORE to your movies? Sheesh! How demanding!

[Auto-posted because I'm on vacation. Hello, future!]

Poe, you are reviewed!

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For the latest installment of That Was Then, This Is Now, Chad Denton, Zack Handlen and myself try something a little different, examing how film-makers from three distinct eras in the history of cinema went about the problem of bringing to the screen that most idiosyncratic of writers, Edgar Allan Poe. 

We also discuss Poe’s writing generally, look at how well (or not) our films reflect their sources, and have a chat about cinema’s apparently irrestible urge to turn Poe into one of his own fictions.

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Edgar Allen Poe (1909) at And You Call Yourself A Scientist!

The Avenging Conscience (1914) at And You Call Yourself A Scientist!

The Raven (1915) at And You Call Yourself A Scientist!

The Premature Burial (1962) at The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

The Black Cat (2007) at The Duck Speaks

And The Conversation
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Cobra-lalalalalalala!

GI JOE: THE MOVIE
The movie jumps right into the action, assuming that if you don’t already know who the characters are, you probably aren’t watching anyway. After an opening montage that affords the Joes an opportunity to pose majestically on the top of the Statue of Liberty (and represents the coolest part of the whole movie), the action proper picks up with Cobra Commander (voiced by the legendary Chris Latta, who also lent his trademark shriek to The Transformers‘ Starscream) and a guy named Serpentor screaming at each other. As was established in the comic and the show, Cobra Commander is constantly vying for control of his own organization against a guy named Serpentor, who was engineered from the DNA of history’s greatest conquerors to be the ultimate warrior. Cobra Commander should have known better than to trust the work of a genetic researcher who walks around shirtless and wearing a billowing purple cape, though, because it turns out that the guy (Dr. Mindbender) didn’t take into account how many of history’s greatest conquerors were insane. Thus, Serpentor emerged as something of a mixed bag, and everyone should have been clued in to his instability as soon as he started insisting on wearing an hilarious snake costume 24 hours a day.

Let’s gang up on this movie

You would think that a movie that seems inspired by a classic movie (High Noon) would have studied the classic movie carefully, but the makers of 3:15 don’t seem to have done so. The punishment I’m giving these filmmakers for making a dull and badly-made movie concerning one teenager’s struggle against a gang is to stay after school.

Bootleg beef!

In Tough Assignment (1949), a news reporter and his photographer wife go undercover to get the story on a cattle rustling ring that’s been strong-arming the local butchers to buy their bootleg beef.

No, seriously, that’s the premise.

And in unrelated matters, please see this blog post: What should I do with ZombieMart?

Kosugi vs Van Damme

BLACK EAGLE

If you want vintage Sho Kosugi, you are better off watching Revenge of the Ninja. If you want James Bond with a splash of 80s casualness, you are probably better off just watching The Living Daylights. But if you don’t mind somewhat slack and flawed, cheap action films, Black Eagle isn’t completely shabby, though I seem to be a lonely voice in saying this movie wasn’t all that bad (The Soldier was much worse, for example, even though it had Klaus Kinski in it). The Malta location allows it to have an air of the jet set about it, even if it’s not really trotting the globe all that much. It doesn’t look cheap. The plot never quite seems to know what it’s up to, but ultimately, it becomes inconsequential anyway. As Kosugi’s swan song (his next movie was a schizophrenic action-comedy remake of Zatoichi, the Blind Sowrdsman, but Rutger Hauer was the star), it encompasses all the strengths and flaws that defined Kosugi’s career and completes the man’s journey from shadowy ninja assassin to cut-rate James Bond with some throwing stars. Like a lot of other low-budget action stuff from the era, it manages to be just good enough without actually being all that good.

What was that Chris S. was saying about quantity?

The Black Room (1935), which somehow manages to benefit from leaving not a single gothic cliche unemployed…

Cape Fear (1991), in which Respected Artists do no better at recapitulating greatness than Stephen Somers or Rob Zombie…

Ghoul Sex Squad (1991), in which Chinese hopping vampires need love, too…

Private Lessons (1980), in which young Eric Brown lives the dream…

The Road Warrior (1981), in which more turns out to be better after all…

The Running Man (1987), in which a pseudonymous Stephen King novel awakens one morning from uneasy dreams, and finds itself changed in its bed into a stupid action movie…

Strange Invaders (1983), in which a little piece of the 50′s wanders into the 80′s, and no one quite knows what to make of it…

and…

Thirteen Women (1932), in which a little piece of the 80′s wanders into the 30′s, and no one quite knows what to make of it, either.

Reality sucks.

I must be an excessively moral person.  I’m trying desperately not to “give it all away” in my description of Paradise Hills (2007), and yet the writer/producer/director gives it all away in the first ten minutes.  Heck, the “twist” is right there in the back-of-the-case copy for the self-distributed DVD.  I must be a nicer guy than even I realized.

Pop Gun Rocket Launchers

KORKOSUZ
The best way I can think to describe the job Serdar the actor does is to liken him to an alien shape shifter who is struggling both to control his new human face and also comprehend how to express human emotion. While buried, Serdar is supposed to be expressing, I assume, the idea that “it is hot,” and later, “it is rainy.” But the thing he does with his face is just… I have no idea. It looks like he’s in the middle of suffering a stroke, and while his face is contorted by the experience, he’s also bored by it. All the while, Ziya keeps coming out to scream at poor Serdar, convinced by standard issue criminal paranoia that Serdar is an enemy. Finally, in order to prove allegiance, Serdar is ordered to deliver yet another rival criminal to Ziya’s compound. Ziya, of course, plans to kill Serdar once the mission is under way, which seems like a complicated way to go about killing a huge dude with a demonstrable skill for survival and handling a giant knife, especially when you previously had him buried to his neck in the mud. In a more complex film, one could attribute this to Ziya’s mounting psychosis, the feeling that everyone is out to get him somehow clouding his sound judgment. But I think, mostly, Inanc just needed a way to get Serdar out of the mud so we could move things on toward the finale, in which Serdar will tear around in a jeep for a while until it’s time to decimate Ziya’s forces by employing a knife, a Turkish commando force, and an RPG that goes “thoop” when fired.

A ghost story with strings attached

Cello
Cello (2005)

Even a second- or third-tier Korean horror film is likely to be well worth watching, if only for the technical skill the film-makers usually bring to the production. This one, though, really strained my patience… particularly when it all but revealed its “twist ending” ten minutes into the film.

Czechs in Space!

IKARIE XB-1
1867ikars3One of the things I love about these Eastern Bloc science fiction films from the early 60s is the air of moment that hangs around them. Unlike American sci-fi films of the era, which were more often than not throwaway drive-in fare, these movies were a major undertaking for the countries that produced them, and were not only intended to be an expression of national pride, but also a source of it.

Of course, you wouldn’t know that from the versions of them that eventually made it to theater screens here in the U.S. Radically edited to eliminate all evidence of their communist origins and frequently retaining little of their original footage beyond their special effects sequences. However, one such film, Czechoslovakia’s Ikarie XB-1, managed to make it to these shores relatively intact. Picked up by American International, the film was released under the title Voyage to the End of the Universe and paired on a double bill with Godzilla vs. The Thing. Unfortunately, those few alterations that AIP did make to the film make Voyage to the End of the Universe stand out as an example of how even the slightest changes can sometimes effect a major difference in a movie’s overall tone and meaning.

Also lingering about the place:

Losing my religion

I admit that I have high hopes when I sit down to watch a comedy sketch movie. The theory is that if one sketch falls flat, not to worry – a new and fresh sketch will shortly pop up, and the potential for laughs will be recharged. So when I found the sketch comedy movie The Ten at my local video store, I decided to give it a chance, even though the quality of sketch comedy movies in recent years has been pretty bad. It did promise a new angle (all the sketches having to do with The Ten Commandments.) But after watching it, I have to say it should be retitled The Ten Ways Of Making A Really Bad Sketch Comedy Movie. Read and find out why.

Soon someone will make a movie about moviemakers make a movie about making a slasher movie…

… but until they do, we’ll have to settle for Cut Throat (2002), in which a low-budget slasher movie set is afflicted by a killer who wears the same mask and costume as the killer in the film.

We can only hope it will be half as glorious as PLAN 9

Apparently John Wayne shot some scenes for a movie prior to his death in 1979, which is finally going to receive a DVD release.

“If science fiction western seems like an unusual genre, that’s because it is. Thunder Riders of the Golden West, is a movie set in modern times and tells the story of cowboy truckers who hit the trail in search of $3 million worth of gold in the middle of an atomic bomb test.”

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Meh. I’ve seen worse.


Zombies: The Beginning

Considering it’s Bruno Mattei’s last film, I was expecting something monumentally awful. Thus I was a little disappointed when the movie turned out to be merely bad. Just when I thought my expectations were low enough that I couldn’t possibly be let down, good old Bruno finds a way to surprise me yet again.

Calling the SyFy Network (again)….

Seriously, those morons can’t do anything interesting with this plethora of riches?

Ant mega-colony takes over world.

Jabootu correspondent Eric Belzer sends this important update

Creatures from the Sewer

And just in time for the SyFy Network to rip off a major upcoming movie

MegaPirahna!

Go, you heroic G-men, go!

When was the last time that the FBI was presented as (a) entirely competent, and (b) scrupulously upright?  You may have to go all the way back to F.B.I. Girl (1951) for an example.