Erotic Diary of a Lumberjack (1974), which, as is only to be expected of a movie with that title, has practically nothing to do with lumberjacks,

In the Sign of the Virgin (1973), which has nothing whatsoever to do with virgins,

The Living Ghost (1942), which, come to think of it, has nothing to do with ghosts– am I on a roll here, or what?

RoboCop 2 (1990), which breaks the streak by being about not only RoboCop, but another cyborg actually called RoboCop 2 as well,

The Sinful Dwarf (1974), which is exactly what it says on the package,

and…

Truck Stop (1978), which is an extremely revisionist adaptation of the Odyssey.  No, really.

Underworld Beauty
Nikkatsu described their brand of action films as “borderless”, which in part meant that, because of the great extent to which they were modeled upon American gangster and noir films, they did not exhibit a distinctly Japanese identity. However, there is, in fact, something very Japanese about Underworld Beauty. And that is how, with that uniquely Japanese eye for detail, it so expertly distills the noir sensibility to its very essence, cutting away any distracting nuances and reducing it to only the most potent elements of its visual iconography. In this sense – though perhaps out of different motivations – it bears some similarities to a far more well known film from the same year, Orson Welles’ Touch Of Evil. In taking the visual aspects of the noir style to their very limits, both Underworld Beauty and Touch of Evil make obvious fetishes of the deep chiaroscuro compositions, expressionistic plays of shadow, and off-balance camera angles that most previous noir filmmakers had simply used as individual elements of a more varied palette.

And the shrimp chips have been fryin’ up as well:

• Incubus
• Werewolves on Wheels
• And God Said to Cain
• The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3
• City of the Living Dead
• Mad Monster Party
• The Devil’s Partner
• Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Monster

It happened to me again. I admit it, I was suckered. This happened recently when I was in my local used video store, and I came across a copy of Treasure Of The Lost Desert. You would think I would have learned not to trust the box art of a movie, but this movie’s box art somehow made me think I would be getting an action-packed adventure. Plus, there was the title of the movie, sounding very much like the title of one of my favorite movies, Raiders Of The Lost Ark. Well, if I manage to convince at least one reader not to be suckered by box art or titles, then my pain from watching this cheapo will have been worth it. Please, someone tell me my pain was not in vain…

In The Man From Cairo (1953), A WWII veteran (George Raft) touring his old stomping ground in Algiers gets drawn into a hunt for a lost shipment of French Gold.

CLAWS (1977)

Proving that there’s nothing so crappy it can’t inspire someone, this cheap knock-off of Grizzly tells the tale of one man’s Ahab-like quest to rid the Alaskan wilderness of what might be a supernatural being, or a gigantic grizzly bear, or a smallish black bear, or the taxidermist’s handiwork, depending on what shot we happen to be looking at.

Those new to this film should be warned that it features a particularly tragic ending, from which this viewer is yet to recover…

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In The Midas Touch (1997), a children’s fantasy shot by Americans in — where else? — Romania, a youngster finds that the ability to turn objects and people to gold by a single touch is a surprising hardship. Surprising, that is, if you’ve never heard the twenty-five-hundred-year-old myth. (Kids these days, they think they’ve got to reinvent the wheel…)

MURDERS IN THE ZOO (1933)

In which a psychotic millionaire uses various animals to dispose of his enemies, his wife, and anyone else who gets in his way.

By some inexplicable oversight, however, that Enemies List fails to include one of this era’s most painful Odious Comic Reliefs.

So, yeah, it’s a tragedy.

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