The B-Masters Cabal

Ghosts of Goldfield (2007) begins with those terribly ominous words, “Based on true events.” That usually means that the filmmakers are preemptively excusing their deficiencies in originality, story coherence, etc., by claiming that they were hampered by the facts. Beyond a few simple historical facts, I can neither confirm nor deny the factual basis of any part of the story presented, but I can say this: If a movie sucks, it sucks, and one can’t use the facts as a defense.

Enchanting Shadow

If you are a fan of A Chinese Ghost Story, or if you simply enjoy a solid supernatural film, there’s a lot to love in Enchanting Shadow. It’s the sort of elegant, artfully crafted sort of film you don’t see much of any more, with an attention to detail that wouldn’t be matched until Chu Yuan started directed wuxia movies for the same studio. Enchanting Shadow is one of the first significant films in the fledgling Hong Kong horror scene and would be worth seeing for historical importance alone. Luckily, it has a lot more to offer the viewer than a mere film history lesson. It’s a beautifully acted, beautifully crafted, genuinely creepy high point in the long tradition of good old fashioned ghost stories.

Injustice can be….pretty unjust.

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Stop me if you’ve heard this one:

The flight-crew and passengers of a commercial airliner are stricken with food poisoning, and the only hope of a safe landing lies in the hands of a former fighter pilot who hasn’t flown in ten years, after a traumatic war-time experience…

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ZERO HOUR! (1957)

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Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl
“However, it must be said, that the climax is everything you’d expect from a film as weird as this. I don’t want to give too much away here, but I have to talk about one sequence. I can’t help it, and this sequence, in some ways, truly encapsulates the film. During the battle, Vampire Girl disappears up a tower. Frankenstein Girl has to follow her. So, producing a power drill, with a Philips-head screwdriver bit, she detaches her arm, which is holding a knife. Then, she reattaches the arm and the blade onto her head. Her arm and blade begin to spin like a helicopter propeller until she lifts off and flies after her quarry.”

The Great Jesse James Raid (1953)

Thanks to the continuing resentment in the South after the Civil War, James was hailed not as a common criminal but as a symbol of indomitable South’s-gonna-rise-again spirit and a frontier “Robin Hood,” even though he always left out that “give to the poor” part after robbing the rich. Dime novels filled with fanciful versions of his exploits were popular even when he was still alive, and upon his death he became the subject of a full-fledged martyr’s mythology. Jesse James the murderous bank robber had become in the public mind Jesse James the champion of the oppressed and symbol of the fading frontier. America wouldn’t mythologize its contemporary criminal element to the same degree until the days of Bonnie and Clyde.

Well, it’s that time of the month again… time for me to update my site with a new review. This time it’s an Indonesian movie about a Red Visitor from Down Below: Mahluk dari Neraka (“The Creature from Hell”, 1994), a direct-to-video movie that truly deserves its obscurity. It’s not easy spotting such rare films; finding this one took some heavy spotting indeed.

In spite of its short running time, the movie is padded about as much as possible. Padded maximally, you might say. Maxi-padded, in fact. Throw in a narrative with irregular flow, and you’ll see why this flick has a not-so-fresh feeling.

One thing I can’t understand is why makers of B-movies these days seldom venture into the western genre. Yeah yeah, there is the obvious fact that audiences these days don’t seem to be as hungry for westerns as they were a few decades ago… though as I’ve pointed out before, there have been significant turn-outs the few times a good western has arrived in theaters these past few years. And westerns made-for-cable have been delivering solid ratings during this period as well. Plus, the western genre offers many advantages for those often cash-strapped B-movie producers. For one thing, there’s thousands of acres of magnificent landscape with little to no hassle to get permission to shoot on. Not only can Mother Nature can look like a million bucks and instantly increase the look of your movie, but you are often far away from nosy union representatives as well. Scenes that take place in towns? No problem; there are still some old western town sets standing, and with few westerns being shot these days, it’s likely you can rent them cheaply. And some incidentals like period clothing can be reasonably replicated or found cheaply as well.

But what about essential personnel, like directors or (most importantly) actors with at least a passable amount of star value? In the case of The Shooter, they managed to round up a respectable number of B movie stars: Randy Travis, William Smith, Andrew Stevens, and Robert Quarry. Oh, and Michael Dudikoff as the hero gunfighter. As for the director, they got the infamous Fred Olen Ray. Getting the picture now?

…but if you fight, you MUST win!

And GALLANTS (2010) does just that

In an industry that doesn’t really feature seniors as anything other than background characters or cheap comic relief (“Oh, look — they’re having Betty White curse again”), and seems to worship at the altar of youth, Gallants never allows it’s older cast to be presented as novelties. Yeah, for long time fans, seeing Bruce Leung, Chen Kuan-tai, Lo Meng, and Siu Yam-yam in action once more is a treat, but the movie would betray its own theme if it allowed itself to simply get by on nostalgia alone. The writing-directing team of Clement Cheng, Kwok Chi-kin, and Frankie Tam don’t have much experience between them, but they work hard to make Gallants heartfelt, honest, and witty, and something much more than a crass exercise in exploiting yesteryear. Like the cast, the crew puts everything into trying to make this movie good. And just like it does for the character sin the movie, that unwillingness to compromise, or to take the easy route, is what makes Gallants such a tremendously enjoyable movie.

Sure, you’ve seen just about everything in Sam’s Lake (2005) in previous “spam in a cabin” slasher flicks, but at least it all seems sincere.  That counts for something, right? Right?

BIG MEAT EATER

The problem with this movie is not that it is science fiction, nor that it is horror, nor even that it is a comedy. The problem is that it is also a musical. Its budget is a problem as well. Cub scout troops have bigger budgets than this film.

Review Snippet:
The best part of the film has to be Abdulla alarming a number of stout female customers with his unorthodox meat processing methods as he sings about being the “Big Meat Eater.” I almost got into the movie, and then the women (who are about as attractive as sacks of potatoes wearing granny blouses) all start rubbing their necks and chests.

Damn you, film! What do you want from me? Disgust? You’ve got it! Suffering? Present, in abundance! My blood? You…actually, you cannot have that. I need it

Lesson Learned:
Beef is an adhesive.

I dedicate this screencap, and my review of the movie it comes from, to Dr. Freex:

(Punchlines are a dish best served cold.)

Hannibal (1960)

Our second film from the New York Asian Film Festival (got to see a lot less than I wanted, but ain’t that always the case). Can Jackie make up for The Tuxedo, Robin B. Hood, and getting drunk and crashing the stage during some pop idol’s concert?

LITTLE BIG SOLDIER
In 2009, Chan made Shinjuku Incident. It was not the Jackie Chan movie people expected. This movie saw a much grimmer Chan, something more along the lines of the glimpse we got in Ringo Lam’s Crime Story. Here was a Jackie Chan who was no longer trying to deny his age. Here was a Jackie Can who was trying to make a good movie, with a good script and good acting. After years of poopy diaper jokes and Jennifer Love Hewitt striking Karate Kid poses, Shinjuku Incident seemed to be saying that it was time to start paying attention to Jackie Chan again. And then, in 2010, came Little Big Soldier, and Jackie Chan fans, covered in cobwebs and the dust of the wasteland, knew that our time in the wilderness was finally at an end.

Psst! I know a secret that I think you’d be interested in knowing. It has to do with the famous magician David Copperfield. Remember how years ago, he made The Statue Of Liberty disappear? I know how he did it. If you want to know how he did it, simply read my review of the magic-themed Ben Gazzara movie Quicker Than The Eye, and in the review you’ll find the answer. And if I get enough positive comments about this review, I will tell you guys the ingredients of the coating mix on Kentucky Fried Chicken (is it really eleven herbs and spices?)

My one-month sabbatical is over, and there’s really no better way for me to get back into the swing of things than with the material for which I’m so well known:

Killer dolls.

Demonic Toys 2 (2010)

Stalking Sammo Hung, Joyce Godenzi, and Simon Yam

Watching…

KUNGFU CHEFS (2009)

If you are looking for a sign that Hong Kong is lifting itself out of the abyss it’s film industry collapsed into in the early days of the new millennium, Kung Fu Chefs is not the sign for which you are questing. It’s cheap, shoddy, sloppy, and generally idiotic. But it’s not lazy, it’s not mean-spirited, and it’s not lethargic. This isn’t the kind of movie that will turn someone into a Hong Kong movie fan, but if you’ve been one for a long time, and you remember the old days of renting VHS tapes from the local Chinese grocery store and sifting through all sorts of goofy junk while boiling your bag of frozen potstickers, then you might, like me, find a movie worth enjoying amid all this nonsense.

When you’ve got a movie with a title like Malibu High, released with a poster showing a bikini-clad woman lying seductively, and being released by Crown International Pictures in the 1970s, you probably think you know what you are going to get – a teenage sex romp. And you’d be wrong. Instead, it is a movie that will show teenagers that the best way to better yourself is to engage in blackmail, prostitution, and eventually murder. To think I wasted all my high school years studying.

BLUE DEMON

Scientists create great white sharks that obey basic FORTRAN commands, such as GOTO, EAT, and NO EAT. Of course, the sharks escape and get stuck in EAT mode.

Review Snippet:
“A shark is our best defense against a terrorist with an atomic bomb? Won’t the nuke be in a boat? Are they expecting some radical Islamist to swim from Afghanistan to California with an atomic suicide vest?”

Lesson Learned:
A box truck can out-accelerate a Saab 900.